just life and stuff.

a few bits and pieces...
+ last week, I went to Maryland to visit ellie & go to kristen's storytime workshop. some of the best eight days ever. more (so much more) later.
+ I launched my new website & blog! eek eek eek EEEEEEEK. been on my heart for such a long time. so bittersweet to say goodbye to aspire / hannah nicole, my original blog, finally, but good to have a new beginning and I'll say it and be cliche, a new chapter. letting go and learning it's a good thing. + that being said, excited to have this little space for personal stuff. having clearly defined professional & personal blogs is already so good for me. + I almost stopped blogging but just couldn't give up this place and small space. blogging for me is going to look differently for a bit and again, I'm learning that's okay. I'm not a blogger but I am a storyteller and artist and photographer and writer who has a blog, so I'm not going to try to fit myself into what a blogger "should" look like or "should" do. I'm content with who I am and realizing that while I love it, blogging is not as big a part of my life anymore and it's a bittersweet but good realization. + the 85mm has replaced the 35mm in my bag and I am so okay with that. + also, thinking of summer projects and I keep coming back to writing and I'm trying to figure out what that means / what I'd like to do, but a book has been on my heart (okay, I have a lot of things on my heart) and I don't know if that would happen or what that would mean but it's something I'm thinking about. (that being said...well...there's a lot that I've been dreaming about lately) + I bought a curling wand and it's pretty much the best thing to happen to me since black coffee. + I had an incredible engagement shoot last night with two of the sweetest / funniest / down-right-wonderful people ever and it was just incredible for my soul. deep down in my bones, know that this is where I'm supposed to be and I am so grateful. + it's sunny and warm and beautiful outside and my heart is about to burst. have a rich & wonderful Sunday! xo h

if there were words.

Be Good To You

Be yourself, truthfully

Accept yourself, gratefully

Value yourself, joyfully

Forgive yourself, completely

Treat yourself, generously

Balance yourself, harmoniously

Bless yourself, abundantly

Trust yourself, wholeheartedly

Empower yourself, prayerfully

Give yourself, enthusiastically

Express yourself, radiantly

-Tracey Steffy

learning to do just that.

photo from last summer by the always talented and ever dear & lovely allix.

He is risen indeed.

Still and quiet. Taking the weekend off social media to reflect, to be present, and to be intentional and purposeful -- to embrace and enjoy life, without my phone in hand or laptop on the table. Celebrating Easter with my family -- celebrating that He is risen! (My God is not dead, He's surely alive!) Happy early Easter to all of you. :)
love, hannah

maybe today.

maybe someday you will stop worrying about having everything in focus and maybe someday you will stop slipping similes behind and between metaphors and maybe someday when someone asks what your favorite color is, you will tell them and know for certain. but that someday doesn't know that you like your coffee black or you sing along to music with no words or you dream of cities you've never been to yet claimed as your own. tell the somedays and maybes and might have beens about today and how the sky is white frost over blue silk. there is a world of snow and a city of people running around with flushed hearts and beating cheeks and there is a murmur under the earth that it's beginning to awake. learn to keep your feet on the ground and your eyes to the sky and remember to keep your eyes clear and your heart full.

today is calling.
let's go.

///

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." — C.S. Lewis

stop running.

We chase pretty like it's something you can buy. Redder lips, bigger eyes, smaller thighs, a trendier haircut, the new outfit you'd sell your fav pair of shoes for. It becomes part of a marathon we run all our lives, going round and round the track instead of sprinting. We circle. We gain ground and fall back. And we're passerbys in other's races, other's runs. We spur them on. We tear them down. We get left behind with broken laces and aching feet. We get shin splints and finally break in our shoes and trip and fall and waste our energy chasing something that doesn't matter. We have the wrong finish line for our destination. There is no ribbon fluttering triumphant red to break through, because we were never supposed to chase these mile markers in the first place.

What is pretty?

Pretty is reading one more book to a three year old who sits, sticky fingers and messy hair in your lap. Pretty is waking up at three in the morning because your best friend's heart is breaking and she needs to talk, and if her soul aches, yours does too. Pretty is making breakfast for your family before you go, loading the dishes just because, brewing another cup of coffee for your mom. Pretty is telling people they are beautiful and meaning it, pretty is listening and not interrupting, pretty is laughing because you can. Pretty is giving grace and loving deeply even when it doesn't help you and pretty is allowing yourself to dream even though your heart has been broken. Pretty is buying lunch for a friend and sending little gifts to cheer others up, pretty is remembering details about people and investing in their lives. Pretty is dressing with grace for yourself not dictated by the culture. Pretty is knowing that even when you're in the middle of a bad hair day, breakout, day when you feel less than lovely, that you are beautiful. Pretty is seeing the good in other people and helping to bring it out. Pretty is adventuring and saying no to things and saying yes to better things. Pretty is making the daily mundane into small adventures and finding good in the ordinary moments. Pretty is lending a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Pretty is doing what you love and being nice to people, pretty is taking time to breathe, pretty is a joyful spirit and a thankful heart. Pretty is remembering how to play and pretty is living a life of whimsy and pretty is taking risks and being bold with your life. Pretty is being honest and brave with your story and pretty is being confident in who you are and loving yourself and forgiving yourself. Pretty is not a nose job, ankle tuck, mascara swipe, or new pair of jeans. Pretty is who you are.

Stop running a race to chase something that is an echo.
Listen.
You were made to dance.

pieces.

i dream of
having a tiny cabin tucked into the woods
adventuring with my man and littles
spending summers listening to the hum of a VW bus and watching the stars
living in a house in the country, trees tall as the sky is full

honey-mooning in New Zealand, year after year

i believe in
red lipstick for every girl
eating good food
dancing in the rain, sun, or snow
losing sleep and staying up late
listening to people, not just hearing
piano playing and song singing until you are out of words

i stand firm that
raspberries are better than chocolate
tucked white snow demands ugly sweaters
cheesy chick flicks are meant to be watched at two in the morning
pie counts as breakfast, dessert, and dinner
you are never too busy to read a book to a little
people and the stories they tell matter

i wish
people took more walks
we had the community of towns in the 1880's
cell phones weren't allowed at gatherings
society didn't measure beauty by the size of your waist
gas station food didn't exist
plane tickets were cheap

i know that
suffering is often linked with joy
the sky is meant to be thick with stars
once upon a time's are better than cheap romance novels
I love you is meant to be said often and meant always
vegetables you've grown taste the best
each day is a chance to love and give and live with all you have

lists + a call to health.

ah, 2013. inevitably with resolutions, they boil down to a few left simmering year after year. get healthy. work out. lose weight. stop eating out so much. sign up for a yoga class. eat greens / raw / vegan. and so on. and while I won't deny the triteness and redundancy of proposing such promises year after year, I will stand firmly that despite their overuse, they're still important.

for health. I am not unhealthy. I am not overweight. I am not inactive (unless you count the last few weeks because of sickness). I am not at risk. In all accounts, I'm good.

but.

I could eat greener.
I could eat leaner.
I could exercise more.
I could go to bed earlier.
I could drink more water.
I could stop eating junk.
I could eat smaller portions.
I could be more active.
I could be healthier.

and so, this is not just another resolution. I am resolved to put forth this call to action to be healthier. not just for january until the excitement of new things wears off, and not just for 2013 as the year drags on and flies swiftly at the same time. but for life. a proposition for healthiness? I accept.

a call to health.
otherwise known as small statements that make up one resolution.
+ drink at least 6 cups of water daily.
+ get at least 8 hours of sleep.
+ drink ACV water (2+ teaspoons with water daily).
+ listen to my body.
+ 80 / 20 rule for food.
+ try to stop eating after 7pm.
+ be mindful with what I put in body.
+ chew my food longer (gross, I know. but healthier & helps you to feel when your body is full faster).
+ use palm portion sizes.
+ exercise for at least 30 minutes 3-5 times a week.
+ stretch / do yoga daily (in the morning & at night).
+ eat when I'm hungry, not when I'm bored / sad / angry / upset / etc...
+ eat / snack on more fruits & veggies.
+ stop looking at the scale & starting looking at my body.
+ tell myself I am beautiful (& believe it).

I recognize that change is not always sudden.
it's the gradual switches in thinking and living that lead up to a total lifestyle change.
but I have been implementing a few of these for the past few weeks (ACV, 80 / 20, mindful eating, etc...) and have noticed a difference.
my skin is clearer. I feel better. I have more energy. and I love eating well.
I'm proud of how far I've come already & excited to see where I'll be as this year wraps up.

I'll try to update with my progress + thoughts + challenges / goals throughout the year. I've talked about all of these health decisions / statements many times with my family, specifically my parents, doctors, and friends. I, of course, am not a doctor, so if you decide to do any of the above, make sure you consult a physician or at least talk to your parents or those who have more knowledge than you. :)

white hot & passionate.

"I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good, either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be."— Roald Dahl

Roald Dahl is one of my favorite authors and people. I would like to have walked and talked in an apple orchard with him (partially because of Danny the Champion of the World), or sat on the seashore skipping stones for just an hour. His life is brilliant and sad and full and fascinating and his words feel like home. They are some of the biggest pieces of my childhood and some of the reasons I love writing and words and stories so much today.

learning & letting go.

& so this is your life, are you who you want to be?

learning to bridge the gap.

learning what it means to let go. learning what it means to hold on. learning the difference to the two. learning that letting go sometimes doesn't mean giving up or giving in, but holding out for what is better, what is coming.

learning that I am made uniquely and wonderfully and beautifully, to be who I am.

& mostly. learning to let go of the things I cling so tightly to that do not define me.

a list : 
thick ankles
fear
the idea of a perfect body
acne
society's definition of beauty
a cookie cutter life
apathy
pursuit of perfection
unwillingness to seek

& i will be bold. i will be brave with my life & story so others can be brave with theirs. i will be honest. i will be steadfast. & i will be who I am & live my life to the width & depth & breadth. & i will seek Jesus & I will praise His name & I will let my life be my song to glorify Him.

He has given me words to speak & a story to live.
& i will live it.

waiting & seeking

I'm in a really cool place in my life where there are so many crazy dreams coming to reality and I'm clinging to promises of God.

& at the same time, I'm surrendering other dreams and finding myself content to put them away, simply because I'm not ready for them yet. and I recognize that. a lot of what I wanted to do this year, back when I was dreaming about 2013 in july of 2012, I now see that it isn't the right place for me to be at. the doors that God closed are closed because I'm not at a place where I would get the most out of them. simply put, some things I wanted to do, I'm content to wait for God's timing with them, because I see that now isn't the right time.

realizing that it's not the right time and being content with that is something I've struggled with for so long. I'm not a patient person (but praise God that He's working in me!). but now, I feel so at peace. I'm content. I know that God has good things coming and some things are for this season and others for another. which is fine by me -- in fact, it's great & wonderful & the best because I trust God and His timing. I know He has the best for me and has an abundance of blessings and good things for my life. learning to be grateful for this season here and to understand that some doors are closed for a reason.

AH. I just can't get enough of God. He is blowing me away and rocking my world and knocking my socks off. He's given me a hunger for His word and a fire for His people. I'm learning about my calling. I have been anointed by Jesus! & I'm so excited to see all that He continues to do in my heart and life this year. "He who promised is FAITHFUL!" He is faithful to complete the good work He began in me and my life, and that alone is cause to rejoice.

waiting & seeking & tasting of His goodness & seeing crazy things happen in my life.

it's a really cool place and I'm just blown away by all that God has done in my heart.

praise Jesus for who He is! grateful for this season of life that I'm in.

on the giving of grace and names that are our own.

and isn't it funny that what names us is often the thing we struggle with most? threaded in strands of gold and what I pretend is glitter but is just twine, my name means grace. grace, palms open and head up in ways that you remember to breathe. like the sky is for stars and rain tastes better than sun on my skin, we are called to live in grace and yet I trip and stumble and end up in puddles of saltwater painted black with the thickness of stars. I always wanted to walk the ocean side and write my name in the shoreline with sea foam but I ended up with seaweed clutched hard in my hands. I could never find a way to skip rocks so I threw stones into the the deep and they sunk to the bottom with a thud like the last word I never had.

grace. to give grace. to not only others, but myself.

grace for the days spent on the couch, cough drops in hand and cups of lukewarm water, teabags marking rings on the bottom, like freckles painting my face. grace for the times I've cried and compared myself in the mirror, "it isn't enough," but what is enough isn't me and never was and will be (in my weakness, He is perfect strength). grace for the times I've slept in too late and walked through the days with sleep in my eyes like a catalogue of the dreams I wanted to hang onto just a little longer. grace for the long nights working with only the dull glow of my screen to keep me up, a pandora station playing the strains of love songs and goodbyes wrapped together with the sound of banjos.

grace for the empty sketchbooks I couldn't bear to finish and the cakes that turned out flat and the stories I tried not to write but found myself penciling in graphite on napkins holding crumbs from that one pastry I loved and ordered everytime I bought coffee like I was pretending I was in a big city and not this small town. to be truthful, me and my red lipstick stick out like a sore thumb in this farmers country but I can't bear to give up the early mornings with the fields outside burnt into the sky, mornings painted the color of autumn. and so there is grace for not loving the cities, for loving the quiet of the country. there is grace that is gold and richer than the hay bales stacked to keep out the coming frost that says here.

we walk, head up and eyes open but not seeing, in heels that fit too small, holding onto our ideas of what should be and who we could be. bagels are carbs and I'll take my coffee black, in the city that I never wanted to live, because that's how we run through our days of life, chasing other people's dreams and dropping stones into sea foam painted green like the sky. I was never good at acrylics but I have a drawer full of watercolor paints that were gifts when I dreamed of being nothing more than an artist. paint stains on your shirt are frowned on and my fingerprints always left smudges of blue or red or green because the colors I dabbed onto brushes always found my fingers, so I washed my hands and put away canvases and pretended to love what everyone else liked.

and there is grace for that. grace for the days spent pretending to be someone you're not, but sooner or later the mask slips and it was only paper-maiche that never truly dried. I'll pull the tearing paper from my freckles and throw off my heels and run barefoot, because there's nothing sweeter than the feel of fresh earth and grass underfoot, and there's nothing wrong with food and who cares about the city lights when you have the stars in the sky, like a patchwork quilt poked with fairy lights. I wrote my name in the dirt with a twig and somehow, found that grace isn't just in giving, but it's in being, and that there is a beauty to being who I am.

I ate fresh raspberries and held grace in open palms and realized that to give grace, I have to start with me.

some personal thoughts and rambly prose from being sick.
there is grace even in these moments.
learning to see it and to give it and to live it.

things I'm grateful for

because now, more than ever, I need this list

chamomile tea with honey
dutch baby pancakes in the oven
classical music on pandora
our nice new TV to watch movies on
sweet packages from wonderful friends in the mail
being able to clean (after weeks on the couch, it was wonderful)
the beauty of Chloe's new kitchen aid on the counter
candles flickering like Christmas on the ledge
our Christmas tree trunks on the table, all the way back to 2006
watching silly and wonderful chick flicks with chloe and grace yesterday (& quoting almost every line)
that samuel is NOT in the hospital for something celiac disease related
chloe being able to rest up and do fun things at grandma's
encouraging emails and messages (I can't tell you how much they bless me)
thinking about next year
The Message Bible (& the Bible in general)
grace
Jesus
heartbreak and grief (because it makes you stronger, helps to shape who you are. and in my weakness, He is perfect strength)
joy
playing Just Dance 4 with Grace and Chloe (& looking like idiots while dancing, no doubt)
warm sweatshirts
a clean room
starting resolutions to eat healthy...tomorrow :)
hot water
my moleskine, almost filled
my family

and so we pray.

two weeks of sickness.
brennan, caleb, grace, eli, and I are recovering...slowly.
samuel has influenza A and is going down to Children's hospital right now.
the doctors don't know what's wrong with Chloe and it's possible (most likely) she'll be staying overnight at the hospital.
my parents are both sick but not down and out.
and so we pray.

for healing, for strenght, for peace.

please be praying for our family. this has been one of the hardest Decembers yet.
it hurts my heart so bad that Sam is going to the hospital.

that one time i danced the pas de quatre and was carlotta grisi

and it's days like today that i really miss ballet.

my heart hurts sometimes.

okay, a lot of the times.

i miss it so much.

i can't listen to the nutcracker without crying.

every beat, every note, every strain of the music...i know intricately what part of the ballet is going on. and what i would be doing.

plie, pirouette, arabesque, rond de jambe, pique tendu, grande battement, port de bras, fouette, and entrechat.

the big finale, a final grande jete!

ah.

ah.

ah.

i miss it so much.

this is not eloquent, this is not beautiful, this is not poetic, but it is honest.

my heart is tied with ribbons and the smell of sweaty practice rooms.

my feet are bent and broken and my knees still hurt when i run.

my soul is threaded with the sound of classical music and my instructor's voices --

the counts, five six seven eight --

pointe.

i'm praying about possibly going back (not to perform) but to perform for myself. i would appreciate much prayer. like, very very very much prayer. i can't give it up. as cheesy as it is...you can take the dancer out of the studio but you cannot take the ballet out of the dancer.

i love it.

and miss it.

lots.

and today, especially during nutcracker season, is very very very hard.

"don't move, DON'T MOVE!"

I was going to post something lighthearted today. Something fun. And then, on the way to meeting a 2013 Bride, something happened that completely altered the course of the day. I'm embarrassed to admit that I was irritated about something, and so I was arguing a little with my mom (not terribly, but I wasn't in the best mood). I was worried I was going to be late. And then, two cars in front of us, a car hit the shoulder, spun around a couple times in the middle of traffic, and hit the median. The moment is sticky in my brain. I saw swirls of dust and saw the car spinning spinning spinning and it felt like an awful movie. My mom yelled, "don't move, don't move!" twice, and I sat there waiting for the car to hit us, waiting for something to happen. She slammed the brakes and two cars skidded by us, almost hitting us, and a red van stopped by the girl's car to block traffic. The man in the car and my mom ran out to help her, and I sat very still. No one was hurt, which was a miracle, but the whole experience was terrifying. I called the sweet Bride I was meeting up with and told her what had happened, and immediately after, burst out crying. The man behind us drove a semi and stopped after we did, and if he didn't, we would have been hit.

the accident is fresh in my brain and I'm still shaky and scattered from it, but I am so grateful for life.

it's crazy to think that if we had left five minutes later, five minutes earlier, or had done one thing different, everything would have changed. how everything that happened happened in a split second, in a blink of an eye. and then how we drove away and life went on. I watched cars and wondered how they could keep moving. didn't they know what was going on? didn't they know that people could have been hurt or worse?

and it made me think about life. about tragedies happening everywhere and how we DON'T notice. how awful things, painful things, hard things, horrific things, sobering things happen everyday, everywhere, and we're either unaware or too self-preoccupied to notice or care. and i thought about how if one person had done something differently, if the car behind us hadn't stopped, if we had been hit, how our entire day and possibly our lives would be different. how fragile and precious life truly is. and how much we take it for granted. people say that all the time, but until you're in an instance where you have no control and don't know the outcome, you don't realize how beautiful and blessed you are.

my whole body is out of whack from it and i have an awful headache, but i'm here, sitting on my couch, writing. and i had a wonderful meeting with kelly (one of the brides i'm shooting next year). and for lunch, i had squash with butter and brown sugar and an egg with cheddar cheese. and i came home to see the pumpkin papers the littles had made as crafts and i got hugged and loved on by all of them.

freeways freak me out a little bit though.

but i'm here and i'm grateful for life. 

life is so exciting.