my nano novel.

Friday, October 26, 2012

There once was a girl on an island with eyes the color of sky meeting sea.
Carys lives on the island of Roche, in a small town where everyone knows your name, much more your family. She spends summers crabbing with her father and brother, and winters weaving scarves and sweaters with her mother to be taken to the mainland. Mama is a painter and father a fisherman and they are happy. Even happier (if that's possible), in the summer of ninety-six, when the family gathers together and find that there is another baby to come.
Life is idyllic to say the least. Until the storm. Until the sea. Until the splashes of ice in her lungs and the taste of death in her mouth. Until all the colors but blue fade away and the world is colored in pale ocean spray.
After the accident that nearly claimed Cary's life, her brother distances himself from her and the family, her mother slowly loses her children to her, and her youngest sister grows up with no memories of a man to call father. The next eight years of Carys' life pass slowly, painfully cracking her heart each day that passes. She counts down the days until graduation, when she can escape the town, escape the island, and head for an unknown.
But that means the sea and leaving it, and despite her hatred and fear for it, she cannot help but love it. After all, she is her father's daughter. And that is perhaps the knowledge that torments her the most.
Through the years since the accident, her graduation slowly looming up ahead, her baby sister and estranged brother, and a boy she dares not whisper her secrets to, Carys discovers herself, the past she left behind, and the story she still has left to tell. The smell of salt on her skin, the freckles splashing her face, the clear blue of her eyes are all pieces of her past, claimed by the sea. And she is torn between loving it and hating it, fearing it and needing it -- nightmares and dreams. It's in the paint that she again finds on her fingers, sailor songs she again sings, a journal hidden away, and a medical diagnosis that threatens to slowly snatch all that she has left that Carys finally says goodbye, even if it's to someone who's already gone.
After all, Robert Frost said, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

As the last boat left the harbor, the loneliness set in. Of course, it was always this way. People left every year at the same time, and any fragile ties of friendship usually snapped long before homesickness claimed the people. "I'll write to you!" They usually said, or, "I'm going to miss you so much!" That was the worst. You're not going to miss me, she wanted to say. Missing people is a sucker punch to the gut, a slap from a friend, words like, "I hate you," from your family, or the sound of silence at a funeral. Have you ever heard silence? She wanted to ask. Sometimes it's so loud, I feel like I'll go deaf. Have you ever heard your mother cry and there was nothing you could do? Have you ever walked into a room and pretended that life will go on but know in your heart that everything has changed, forever, that the clock can't be moved back? Do you know what it's like to miss someone you loved and hated at the same time? Do you know what it's like to taste death but have it be decided that someone else deserves it more? Have you?
After her shift at the restaurant, Carys gathered her bags and headed to the harbor. The smell of salt was perpetually in her skin and the docks were the one place she felt at home. "You're an island girl, an island gully," her father said once. She stretched her arms out to feel the sun and pretended she could fly. "But you're all the way down there on your boat, dad!" She protested. "I can't fly away from you!" He gathered her into his arms and tickled her until she couldn't breathe.
That was the best. The breathless laughter, wishing it would never stop, wishing it would never end.
He hugged her and she smelled the lemon soap on his chin, the salt from the sea in his shirt.
"You're my little island gully, and you'll watch over me. Everyday, when I'm in that ship, I'll think of my birdy and know that I'm safe with you looking after me." He held her chin in his hands gently.
"Promise?" She asked, looking up at his face. She loved the scratchiness of his beard. While mama was the earth and home and the sound of singing, Papa was the sea and salt and adventures.
She hadn't done a very good job of watching over him and it nearly killed her everyday.


i'm doing nanowrimo for the first time since 2009, and I'm pretty excited. I haven't written stories in such a long time, so my words are rusty but I'm remembering how it feels to put pen to the page (or really, fingers to the keyboard), to type out a tale, and good gravy, I love it. you can follow along/add me as a buddy here! also! pleeeease give me your honest thoughts. i know it's choppy, but i'm still fleshing out the story. let's just say i'm really looking forward to november. :)

where my heart is.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Lately, I've been asked what I want to do after higschool. It's often phrased different ways, sometimes posed as a question in regards to photography, and asked to just hear about my plans. And I've been taking a deep breath and giving the same answer. Sometimes, it freaks me out, because, even though it's where my heart is at (and has always been it), it's really against the cultural norm. And while I'm blessed to have family and friends who uphold the same values and have the same views and beliefs as I do, I respect and appreciate the opinions of some dear people and would hate to have anyone "not" proud of me. That sounds really terrible, and obviously, I wouldn't sacrifice my calling for someone's opinion, but when you're very passionate about something and someone you love sees it as foolish, it's a difficult thing. Thankfully, I haven't dealt with that personally, but I do know that as my senior year looms closer and closer, it could definitely be something I could potentially go through.

But anyways, to cut a rambling paragraph short, I just want to be a wife and a mom someday.

That sounds really anticlimactic, but it's the most exciting and wonderful and difficult and beautiful and powerful and hard and painful and sweet and BEST ever. I literally cannot wait (okay, literally, I can, but y'know...) for that someday. Ever since I was a little girl (and I do mean little. we're talking three or four here), I've dreamed of getting married and having kiddos. And it's still my dream and hope and prayer. While I would love to continue to do photography (and hope to be doing it professionally for many more years!) my family would always come first. I'm blessed and glad to be in a position where I can pursue a career outside of being a wife&mom that I can do on the side while being a wife&mom.

I'd really like to get married young and have a family young, and I'm excited to see what God does in my life (and heart) in the next few years. Currently, I am not planning on going to college, but I am open to it if that's where I'm supposed to go. That's not where my heart is and it's never been something that I've been excited about. Let me get this straight -- I think college is a GREAT thing, but I don't believe it's for everybody (that would be crazy to assume that). And at the moment, it's not the direction I want to go, but I don't want to assume that I won't ever pursue that, so I'm still preparing and working in a way that if I ever wanted to go to college or take college classes, I would be able to. But right now, it's not anything that I want to do. Ever. Ha ha. :)

SO! I'm just taking everyday one day at a time and preparing for whatever in my future. But being a wife and a momma is where my heart is and where it has always been and where it will always be. And I can't wait for those days when my dreams become reality. (ooh. cheesy cheesy cheese for the winner, folks. but absolutely true. :)).  I'm watching my siblings and off to clean the kitchen, so I'll end with a quote from Candice Watters that I really love.

“The nature of parenting is sacrifice. You can’t retrofit kids into your present life. If you want to be faithful, you have to fit your life around what God call you to as a mom or dad. That requires dying to yourself daily. It’s painfully hard, but it’s actually easier than trying to work in vain pursuing the illusion of having it all. You are dearly loved. ….imitate the one who loved you by laying down His life and trust in His promise that “whoever loses his life for Me will find it.” (matthew 16:25)”

to the mountains

Saturday, October 20, 2012

“Will you come away with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows. But will you come?” – C.S. Lewis

wise words from henri nouwen (& a verse)

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

If you know you're God's beloved, you can deal with an enormous amount of success as well as an enormous amount of failure.
“I’m sure now I’ll see God’s goodness in the exuberant earth. Stay with GOD! Take heart. Don’t quit. I’ll say it again: Stay with GOD.” Psalm 27:14 MSG

needed these tonight. 

"don't move, DON'T MOVE!"

Monday, October 8, 2012

I was going to post something lighthearted today. Something fun. And then, on the way to meeting a 2013 Bride, something happened that completely altered the course of the day. I'm embarrassed to admit that I was irritated about something, and so I was arguing a little with my mom (not terribly, but I wasn't in the best mood). I was worried I was going to be late. And then, two cars in front of us, a car hit the shoulder, spun around a couple times in the middle of traffic, and hit the median. The moment is sticky in my brain. I saw swirls of dust and saw the car spinning spinning spinning and it felt like an awful movie. My mom yelled, "don't move, don't move!" twice, and I sat there waiting for the car to hit us, waiting for something to happen. She slammed the brakes and two cars skidded by us, almost hitting us, and a red van stopped by the girl's car to block traffic. The man in the car and my mom ran out to help her, and I sat very still. No one was hurt, which was a miracle, but the whole experience was terrifying. I called the sweet Bride I was meeting up with and told her what had happened, and immediately after, burst out crying. The man behind us drove a semi and stopped after we did, and if he didn't, we would have been hit.

the accident is fresh in my brain and I'm still shaky and scattered from it, but I am so grateful for life.

it's crazy to think that if we had left five minutes later, five minutes earlier, or had done one thing different, everything would have changed. how everything that happened happened in a split second, in a blink of an eye. and then how we drove away and life went on. I watched cars and wondered how they could keep moving. didn't they know what was going on? didn't they know that people could have been hurt or worse?

and it made me think about life. about tragedies happening everywhere and how we DON'T notice. how awful things, painful things, hard things, horrific things, sobering things happen everyday, everywhere, and we're either unaware or too self-preoccupied to notice or care. and i thought about how if one person had done something differently, if the car behind us hadn't stopped, if we had been hit, how our entire day and possibly our lives would be different. how fragile and precious life truly is. and how much we take it for granted. people say that all the time, but until you're in an instance where you have no control and don't know the outcome, you don't realize how beautiful and blessed you are.

my whole body is out of whack from it and i have an awful headache, but i'm here, sitting on my couch, writing. and i had a wonderful meeting with kelly (one of the brides i'm shooting next year). and for lunch, i had squash with butter and brown sugar and an egg with cheddar cheese. and i came home to see the pumpkin papers the littles had made as crafts and i got hugged and loved on by all of them.

freeways freak me out a little bit though.

but i'm here and i'm grateful for life. 

two poems.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

(i'm rusty, words cracking from disuse. but the best part isn't the shell, but what's inside.
crack away, rust away, break open. words and words and words, just waiting. :) )

wherever i'm with you
is not the house painted brown
(though i love the chipped
mocha shade
that signifies the end
of a journey)
it is not the
bedroom that perpetuates
messiness through discarded clothes
their contents after yet
another plane ticket, a couple hundred
gallons of gas (unleaded)
it is not the normalcy of
routines and waking up for a cup of
tea (chai, please) in pajamas
(old t-shirts from colleges i never went to)
but it is
the people who are there, waiting
brimming with their own stories
listening ears and open arms ready
to hold mine.

if i said that the world
breathed clarity ice blue onto
the grass, flushed the earth
pale with the shock of winter
would you know that
underneath all the dirt
tumbled tight under white
it was still summer somewhere?

my heart is overflowing

Thursday, October 4, 2012

"For you are great and do wondrous things;
you alone are God." - Psalm 86:10 (ESV)
"By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us — set us right with him, make us fit for him — we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise." - Romans 5:1-2 (MSG)
"Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It’s way over our heads. We’ll never figure it out. Is there anyone around who can explain God? Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do? Anyone who has done him such a huge favor that God has to ask his advice? Everything comes from him; Everything happens through him; Everything ends up in him. Always glory! Always praise! Yes. Yes. Yes." - Romans 11:33-36 (MSG)