that one time i danced the pas de quatre and was carlotta grisi

Saturday, November 10, 2012

and it's days like today that i really miss ballet.
my heart hurts sometimes.
okay, a lot of the times.

i miss it so much.
i can't listen to the nutcracker without crying.
every beat, every note, every strain of the music...i know intricately what part of the ballet is going on. and what i would be doing.

plie, pirouette, arabesque, rond de jambe, pique tendu, grande battement, port de bras, fouette, and entrechat.

the big finale, a final grande jete!

i miss it so much.

this is not eloquent, this is not beautiful, this is not poetic, but it is honest.
my heart is tied with ribbons and the smell of sweaty practice rooms.
my feet are bent and broken and my knees still hurt when i run.
my soul is threaded with the sound of classical music and my instructor's voices --
the counts, five six seven eight --


i'm praying about possibly going back (not to perform) but to perform for myself. i would appreciate much prayer. like, very very very much prayer. i can't give it up. as cheesy as it can take the dancer out of the studio but you cannot take the ballet out of the dancer.

i love it.
and miss it.


and today, especially during nutcracker season, is very very very hard.


  1. Hannah, you are such a lovely ballerina. i adore ballet. I wish I stayed in ballet when I was little. It's simply such a beautiful form of dance. I'll continue to pray that God would help you to guide your decisions.

    Blessings, friend!

  2. Hey Hannah, I know exactly. Performing is the most silent, happiest thing. you know. Be glad you know, because even when you're not performing and your heart squeezes, the intensly deep appreciation for each part of it is wonderful, because you're not just taking what you did for granted.
    As far as going back, you can't be the best anymore, or perform (as much) and it's difficult in that. But when you know you're just there because of the grace and quiet it brings, that you're just dancing because you couldn't possibly not dance, then it's the best.
    (for this semester at least, if you're still somewhat connected to your school and they're cool with it, maybe hang out backstage. I've been a "backstage mom" and costume hooker and hair-pinner and watched from the wings when I didn't perform. even though it's sad, it's good to be there.)

  3. Also, this picture of you, is so lovely and graceful and silent. I'm sure you danced her part with the utmost beauty.

  4. That photo took my breath away -- so graceful and elegant.

    I know how you feel. I took classical ballet lessons for twelve years (such a special time in a girl's life). I play soccer now, but sometimes on quiet days I challenge myself to see how many pirouettes and fouettes I can do.

    I'll pray that you are able to go back to doing what you love so much. All the best, xo

  5. (ahh! i meant to add: would you mind if i pinned the photo?)

  6. This is basically how I feel about ballet. Only I can't really dance at all!
    Even the mere mention of the word, 'ballet'...I just tingle and feel happy and dancey all over! :)