gardens and weeds and a garland of grace.

it's easy to be overwhelmed with joy when your circumstances are ideal.
it's difficult to be overwhelmed with joy when your circumstances are less than ideal, or far from ideal.

this afternoon, like a prodigal daughter, I wrote, "so overwhelmed by God's faithfulness and provision! He cares for the sparrow - such rest and joy for my heart." and yes. it is true. He is faithful. He provides. He cares for the sparrow and much more so for me. That is a constant truth and a never-ending comfort.

yet, as the day went on, those seeds, so carefully planted, were plucked. choked. snatched. somehow, between a headache and ruined plans and sudden expenses and my own selfishness and bitterness. why is it so easy for me to live less out of joy and peace and more out of discontent, hurt, irritation, stress, worry, bitterness? instead of being overwhelmed with joy I become overwhelmed with life. happiness is based on circumstances, joy is deep seated. yet, I chase happiness and seek it like it's the race I was made to run, instead of resting and finding my joy in Him and Him alone.

My heart is so fickle.
Yes, God, I will praise you when life is good.

But what does my heart look like when life seems less so?
It's so much easier for me to think of all that He "hasn't" done instead of reflecting on all that He has. so much easier for me to dwell on a lie rather than meditate on the truth. so much easier for me to be swayed by reality instead of living in His truth.

I need to remember that He is always faithful.
Indeed, His mercy is new every morning and His faithfulness is never-ending.

I'm in a season of learning of His faithfulness. Seeing His work in my heart. It's so fitting that outside, winter is in full force.
Brokenness. Barenness. Stripped of all imprecations, masks, and pretensions.
My heart very much feels like winter.
I am learning of my own brokenness and seeing my own sin.
It's ugly.
I'm learning that there are weeds that I planted. Me.
And it hurts to have to pull them up.
I am a terrible gardener, but I try. I get my hands dirty and tug tug tug at the roots of weeds that go down deep. C. S. Lewis' words from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, as he writes about Eustace's transformation from dragon to human by Aslan, sum it up much nicer than I could.

"The very first tear he made was so deep and I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know – if you've ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."

It's embarrassing and uncomfortable and painful. Seeing my own sinful heart makes me want to pretend that I am all good, all right, I need no grace. The lie is, I don't need grace. The truth is, I don't deserve grace. The reality is…I am given grace.

That alone should never fail to make me weep.
I am underserving and could never achieve it on my own, yet, He gives more grace.
And it is in Him that I find my rest and joy.
Not in circumstances, situations, possessions, achievements, talents, or people.
But at the feet of Jesus alone.

"But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.'" - James 4:6

I am so proud.
Proud of my own "goodness."
Look! I write about my heart and struggles! I am such a good Christian. I can own up to my mistakes and write about what's on my heart -- that makes me a better disciple, right? I'm brave enough to cry out. So look at how good my heart is!
Again.
My heart is so fickle. And yet, it is willing but my flesh is weak.
I am seeing so much brokenness in my own heart. So many things that stem from my sinfulness and the seeds that I planted. By His grace and goodness, I have sowed good things. Joys. Good relationships. New adventures. But I have also planted bad seeds and am reaping them now. Bitterness. Envy. Fear. Entitlement. Pride.

And so, I am in a season of waiting and learning and sowing.
Plucking up the weeds and pulling planting good seeds.
Praise God that with all my failed efforts and messy attempts, it is He who gives the growth.

A garland of grace in a garden of weeds.
I dance barefeet on earth waiting to be sown with good seeds.
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

pieces.

i dream of
having a tiny cabin tucked into the woods
adventuring with my man and littles
spending summers listening to the hum of a VW bus and watching the stars
living in a house in the country, trees tall as the sky is full

honey-mooning in New Zealand, year after year

i believe in
red lipstick for every girl
eating good food
dancing in the rain, sun, or snow
losing sleep and staying up late
listening to people, not just hearing
piano playing and song singing until you are out of words

i stand firm that
raspberries are better than chocolate
tucked white snow demands ugly sweaters
cheesy chick flicks are meant to be watched at two in the morning
pie counts as breakfast, dessert, and dinner
you are never too busy to read a book to a little
people and the stories they tell matter

i wish
people took more walks
we had the community of towns in the 1880's
cell phones weren't allowed at gatherings
society didn't measure beauty by the size of your waist
gas station food didn't exist
plane tickets were cheap

i know that
suffering is often linked with joy
the sky is meant to be thick with stars
once upon a time's are better than cheap romance novels
I love you is meant to be said often and meant always
vegetables you've grown taste the best
each day is a chance to love and give and live with all you have

things I'm grateful for

because now, more than ever, I need this list

chamomile tea with honey
dutch baby pancakes in the oven
classical music on pandora
our nice new TV to watch movies on
sweet packages from wonderful friends in the mail
being able to clean (after weeks on the couch, it was wonderful)
the beauty of Chloe's new kitchen aid on the counter
candles flickering like Christmas on the ledge
our Christmas tree trunks on the table, all the way back to 2006
watching silly and wonderful chick flicks with chloe and grace yesterday (& quoting almost every line)
that samuel is NOT in the hospital for something celiac disease related
chloe being able to rest up and do fun things at grandma's
encouraging emails and messages (I can't tell you how much they bless me)
thinking about next year
The Message Bible (& the Bible in general)
grace
Jesus
heartbreak and grief (because it makes you stronger, helps to shape who you are. and in my weakness, He is perfect strength)
joy
playing Just Dance 4 with Grace and Chloe (& looking like idiots while dancing, no doubt)
warm sweatshirts
a clean room
starting resolutions to eat healthy...tomorrow :)
hot water
my moleskine, almost filled
my family

hope is very real, i am reminded.

maybe it's ugly
maybe it's dark
maybe it's hard
maybe it's uncomfortable
but it's real

we cannot hide in the midst
of our own little
homes, squirreling
ourselves away like
we! are somehow better;
no. we do not live in
disney land
and this is
no vacation

if you have a voice
you are to speak
if you have a song
you are to sing
if you have a mission
you are to go

you are a voice to
those who have none;
why are you whispering or
not speaking at all?

were you once --
better?
your ripped, aching, bleeding,
tarnished, dirty, empty,
broken heart --
healed, freed, made new, made whole,
redeemed, by Christ.

(go now, my
child) He says (you
are my hands and
feet).

but Lord!

(i have given
because you are
mine,
give because
you are mine)

but Lord!

(i have a purpose for
you.
and it's your choice to
walk away or
follow me)

you are not mute
you are not deaf
you are not blind
you are not lame
do not pretend you
cannot speak, hear, see, do

not that, Lord!
it's too hard. someone
else can --

(you are someone else)

it is dark and
uncomfortable,
Lord!

(but it is very real)
I am reminded.

my hands
are closed; i live
tight-fisted. it is
too much to
hold
(you are not alone)
I am reminded.

but Lord, there is so much
evil! what can i, just one
do?
(hope is very real,
have i not called you like
Moses?)

there are so many
broken hearts
ripped, scribbled, tattered,
torn.
my heart weeps; and
with my one
life -- what? Lord, what
am i to do?

(have i not called you like
Moses? when you
pass through the waters
i will be with you)

i didn't ask
for this, God!
i just want a
normal life, who am
i to speak?

(i have given you a
voice so you may
speak for
those who cannot.
my child)

my voice is fragile
(i am your strength)

but
what will i
say, Lord?

(have i not called you like
Moses?
i will give you
words to speak - i have
given you words to speak;
do not let them go
unsaid)

these are real people
these are real hearts
this is real brokenness

but
hope is very real.
i am reminded.

read some of Christian Caine's book, Undaunted, and feeling my heart break for those caught in sex and human trafficking. this poem is for me. to challenge myself. to dare myself. to remind myself. how can I know of such evil and pain and sorrow and pretend it does not exist, hiding in my own little home? how can i, who am made free in Christ, pretend that i do not have a life to give? sex trafficking and human trafficking is a dark and uncomfortable subject and unfortunately, it is very real. but hope is very real and the Gospel is very real and Jesus is the most real of anything, ever. He has the power to break all chains, to loosen all bonds, to heal, free, and redeem everyone and every circumstance.

break my heart for what breaks yours.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot

where my heart is.

Lately, I've been asked what I want to do after higschool. It's often phrased different ways, sometimes posed as a question in regards to photography, and asked to just hear about my plans. And I've been taking a deep breath and giving the same answer. Sometimes, it freaks me out, because, even though it's where my heart is at (and has always been it), it's really against the cultural norm. And while I'm blessed to have family and friends who uphold the same values and have the same views and beliefs as I do, I respect and appreciate the opinions of some dear people and would hate to have anyone "not" proud of me. That sounds really terrible, and obviously, I wouldn't sacrifice my calling for someone's opinion, but when you're very passionate about something and someone you love sees it as foolish, it's a difficult thing. Thankfully, I haven't dealt with that personally, but I do know that as my senior year looms closer and closer, it could definitely be something I could potentially go through.

But anyways, to cut a rambling paragraph short, I just want to be a wife and a mom someday.

That sounds really anticlimactic, but it's the most exciting and wonderful and difficult and beautiful and powerful and hard and painful and sweet and BEST ever. I literally cannot wait (okay, literally, I can, but y'know...) for that someday. Ever since I was a little girl (and I do mean little. we're talking three or four here), I've dreamed of getting married and having kiddos. And it's still my dream and hope and prayer. While I would love to continue to do photography (and hope to be doing it professionally for many more years!) my family would always come first. I'm blessed and glad to be in a position where I can pursue a career outside of being a wife&mom that I can do on the side while being a wife&mom.

I'd really like to get married young and have a family young, and I'm excited to see what God does in my life (and heart) in the next few years. Currently, I am not planning on going to college, but I am open to it if that's where I'm supposed to go. That's not where my heart is and it's never been something that I've been excited about. Let me get this straight -- I think college is a GREAT thing, but I don't believe it's for everybody (that would be crazy to assume that). And at the moment, it's not the direction I want to go, but I don't want to assume that I won't ever pursue that, so I'm still preparing and working in a way that if I ever wanted to go to college or take college classes, I would be able to. But right now, it's not anything that I want to do. Ever. Ha ha. :)

SO! I'm just taking everyday one day at a time and preparing for whatever in my future. But being a wife and a momma is where my heart is and where it has always been and where it will always be. And I can't wait for those days when my dreams become reality. (ooh. cheesy cheesy cheese for the winner, folks. but absolutely true. :)).  I'm watching my siblings and off to clean the kitchen, so I'll end with a quote from Candice Watters that I really love.

“The nature of parenting is sacrifice. You can’t retrofit kids into your present life. If you want to be faithful, you have to fit your life around what God call you to as a mom or dad. That requires dying to yourself daily. It’s painfully hard, but it’s actually easier than trying to work in vain pursuing the illusion of having it all. You are dearly loved. ….imitate the one who loved you by laying down His life and trust in His promise that “whoever loses his life for Me will find it.” (matthew 16:25)”

two poems.

(i'm rusty, words cracking from disuse. but the best part isn't the shell, but what's inside.

crack away, rust away, break open. words and words and words, just waiting. :) )

wherever i'm with you
home
is not the house painted brown
(though i love the chipped
mocha shade
that signifies the end
of a journey)
it is not the
bedroom that perpetuates
messiness through discarded clothes
suitcasesspilling
their contents after yet
another plane ticket, a couple hundred
gallons of gas (unleaded)
it is not the normalcy of
routines and waking up for a cup of
tea (chai, please) in pajamas
(old t-shirts from colleges i never went to)
but it is
the people who are there, waiting
brimming with their own stories
and
listening ears and open arms ready
to hold mine.

seasons
if i said that the world
breathed clarity ice blue onto
the grass, flushed the earth
pale with the shock of winter
would you know that
underneath all the dirt
tumbled tight under white
it was still summer somewhere?

joy joy joy

i am full of joy

joy that the Lord is working in my life and changing my heart

joy that I have a family who loves me unconditionally (even on days when I am less than pleasant to be around)

joy that i have a passion and a dream and a career that i love and am blessed to do

joy that God is providing so mightily and in ways i could never have even imagined

joy that Jesus is planting seeds in my heart for the future

joy that i have friends who love me, are there for me, laugh with me, pray for me, and who will say the hard things i need to hear.

joy that i am loved and redeemed and whole because of Jesus

joy joy joy

to be a mama

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Source: thedaybookblog.com via Hannah on Pinterest

i can't wait to be a mama someday. a mama to kiss and cuddle and comfort my own littles, to protect them and pray over them, and to tickle and laugh with them. i can't wait to make forts with them and have blueberry pancake mornings and play silly games and stay up late watching movies. i dream of braiding their hair (or spiking it for my someday little boys :)) and tucking them into bed at night and reading them stories and getting messy painting pictures and going on adventures with my little family.

i am praying for my future husband
for my future children
for my future family

and i am so excited. to me, there is no greater career than to be a mama .

grasp this wildly extravagant life gift.

"Yet the rescuing gift is not exactly parallel to the death-dealing sin. If one man’s sin put crowds of people at the dead-end abyss of separation from God, just think what God’s gift poured through one man, Jesus Christ, will do! There’s no comparison between that death-dealing sin and this generous, life-giving gift. The verdict on that one sin was the death sentence; the verdict on the many sins that followed was this wonderful life sentence. If death got the upper hand through one man’s wrongdoing, can you imagine the breathtaking recovery life makes, sovereign life, in those who grasp with both hands this wildly extravagant life-gift, this grand setting-everything-right, that the one man Jesus Christ provides?" - Romans 5:15-17

an introduction of sorts.

hello.

if you're reading this, welcome to my new little, personal space. i've had a tumblr for a few months now, but it's gotten to be too much. i'm exhausted with trying to keep up and stay on top of social media. i'm bone weary with popularity games and fads and the new biggest and best thing. i'm tired of ingesting image after image or word after word and not digesting. intaking so much noise and media and information and thinking it's inspiration, when instead it's just like eating candy. buckets and buckets and mounds and mounds and vats and vats of candy.

all i've ended up with is a stomach ache and a taste for something real. whole.

i want to live life to the FULL (john 10:10). with God-given fullness of joy. delighting in Him. living (really living) a life that matters.

i'm tired of things that are meaningless. i'm tired of wasting time on things that don't matter. i want my life to matter and what i do to matter, because i'm living my life for the only one who matters. i want to be inspired be real life. i want to live a full rich life, so that when i'm at the end of my days i can hold out empty hands and say, "Lord, I've used all that you gave me up."

pinterest, twitter, tumblr, flickr, Facebook, blogger, google+, email, instagram, blogs, websites.

there is so much noise in this world.

my heart yearns for a quiet place.

somewhere i can share photos
somewhere i can share words
somewhere i can share what's on my heart

a quiet place where i don't have to worry about what people will think.

freeing.

i want this to be a small, still, quiet place. no pressure.

so. let's start with beginnings.

my name is hannah.

you can call me hannie-girl.

i love classical music.

i don't like being late.

i still can't drive (and that's okay).

i should eat better, but i love ice cream too much.

i write and photograph and play piano and sing.

i am tired of fakiness and popularity games and trendy fads.

i just want to be me.

i love Jesus and am learning to love him more everyday.

i am a fan of coffee but tea is my favorite. and don't even get me started with chai.

i can't wait to be a wife and mom someday.

i want to make art that matters. i want to take photos that matter. i want my photos to be an honest reflection of real life, imperfect as they are, imperfect as it is. a small and true story of a deeper story.

i like red lipstick and i used to have really long hair but i cut it shorter now.

i love my family and i love my friends and i am so grateful and so blessed.

welcome.